@Brianhopecomedy

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

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@iGreenMonk

To Do List :
1: Buy 4 Pigs
2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs
3: Release them in Wal-Mart
4: Sit back watch Security search for #4

@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: BOOP! teehee!
Cop: ..
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?

@Lakelandr

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

@iGreenMonk

I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!

@Coepacetic

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

@citizenkawala

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@ElizaBayne

There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god