Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.