Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?