Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

God tier horse name today on the sims

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

Terribly Tuesday.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

My husband educating me about Kendrick Lamar: This song is supposed to be a diss against Drake.

Me: First of all, what’s a Drake?

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.