My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
