Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

You wish you had this many chins.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

I have obtained a hat