My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.