My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.