My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.