My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Finally!
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”