Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

The sacred texts.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.