Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just pretend nothing happened

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.