My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
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never forget
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full