Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

From Facebook just now…

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.