Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

I’m aging like a fine banana

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

I hope your spoon slides into your soup