Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

A short story about romance.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP