Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?