My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
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What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.