My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.