Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’