My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.