My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
just witnessed a drug deal
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭