My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.