My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”