My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Stop
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.