My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
when someone rings the doorbell
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?