My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
is this meant to deter me
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I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster