Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Its a hippotatomus

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six