My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.