Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

Wow 🤣

men are simple creatures

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Tony Hawk, age 6

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

Still laughing at this stupid meme