Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Finished stitching this today 😇

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]