Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.