Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Never ghost your hitman.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.