Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

sign of the times 🖊

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

oh u like geography? name every lake

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.