my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Tuesday
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton