Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Stop