My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation