My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.