Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you