My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.