My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.