My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Good dog. ❤️
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I feel this so hard
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else