Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!