My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
💁🏻♂️
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I’ve been learning to cook.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.