Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.