Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

This did not end as expected.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”