My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
It’s on my to-do list.
