Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

tfw you realize …

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty