My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.