Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Every house has this drawer

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool