Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not