Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s fair

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before