Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan