Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them