My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
bat life
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about