My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.