Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.