My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad