My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
