My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I love the honesty
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
dude it’s called proctologist