My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????