My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER