Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

why isn’t he texting back

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”