My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Cinematography is my passion
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Good morning!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with