My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
When your diet is finally over.
🖕🏻👽
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.