Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups