My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates