My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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incredible
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”