Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head