My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.