Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.