My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP