My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
This kid will have a bright future.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I want to meet the individual who made this
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The median voter
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it