My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays