Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.