Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

getting groceries

The devil.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

I’m having an out of money experience.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.