My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
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My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos